Grieving Penn Fan Glues Self to Paterno Statue

An obviously overwrought Penn State fan made an out-sized display of emotion today when he glued himself to the bronze statue of Joe Paterno on the university’s State College campus.

The University has been overwhelmed by the historic out-pouring of grief over the long-serving coach.  Thousands of fans have traveled to the college town to pay  respects to the football great who won at least two national championships.

University officials were exploring ways to unfasten the dedicated fan while protecting the bronze patina of the sculpture.  The exact type of the adhesive is not known and psychological experts in the little known field of “grief-glueing” have cautioned that glue-ees often disguise the type of epoxy in order to lengthen the time of attachment.

Elmers S. Mastic, spokesperson for the American Society of Grief Glueing urged understanding and sympathy claiming that the phenomenon, though little understood, is just one of many ways that people express a heartfelt sense of profound loss.  “You’ve got your ulalators, you’ve got your stigmata, we’re just into glue”, he said, shrugging.  (He was quick to add that Society by-laws strictly prohibit sniffing, noting a recent shift to organic adhesives.)

Many readers may be aware of the long history of grief-glueing at the Elvis statue on Beale Street in Memphis.  An estimated 500 grief stricken mourners have attached themselves to Presley over the years.  So many, in fact, that City officials considered a plan to attach velcro patches to the rocker.  Prospective mourners would then be given matching velcro gloves so that they would experience a simulated “glueing experience.”  City leaders  have put the plan on hold, calling it “tacky” while also being concerned that mourners would not adhere to time limits.

During an afternoon Penn briefing, Administration officials said, “We clearly have a very sticky situation on our hands which will require our utmost sensitivity as we move forward.”

 (File under:  SATIRE, FARCE and General Decline of Western Civilization)


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