Top Ten Ways To Save The Cathedral

Washington National Cathedral To Charge Admission

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It’s official: beginning in 2014 Washington, DC’s iconic National Cathedral will begin charging a $10 admission fee.

To wit, the top ten ways to cover their budget gap.

10. Baptismal Font Admission Lottery- The Font will be refit as a lotto-style ping pong blower with balls marked $5 to $25. Pay what you get. Balls will be adorned with religious icons and you keep yours as a souvenir.

9. Speaking of Lotto- Have one. If the state can do it so can the church. Scratch cards would be great—match any two apostles and win the amount shown. Judas and Caesar can be jackpot extras.

8. Paintball in the Crypt- What could be more challenging? Keep your wits about you as you careen chapel-to-chapel with paintballs a-flying. ($2500 for up to five persons, equipment provided, eye protection mandatory.)

7. A Night with Woodrow Wilson- Spend the night with America’s unrepentant racist president. Whisper the fourteen points. Fondle his bones, if you dare. Old clothes recommended. ($5,000. Room for one only.)

6. Cathedral Zip-lining- Zip the 600 feet from the Choral Balcony to the High Altar. Say a Hail Mary on the Way! ($7500 for up to six persons, includes a two hour block of time with a 20-minute mandatory safety briefing, helmets supplied.)

5. Disco in the Tower- Adams Morgan and South of the Circle, move over! For your “night of nights” the cathedral observation level becomes DC’s most exclusive club with stunning views. ($20,000, maximum of 100 people, valet parking, open bar.)

4. Sommelier at the Communion Rail- Choose from up to forty fine wines to go with your wafer including an exquisite 1979 Chateau Lafite Rothschild Pauillac. ($2500 annual fee per person.)

3. Cathedral Survivor: The Show- Ten-week run, kick a priest or docent out a week. Spice it up, after all it’s an Episcopal church, something has to be going on. Sell the rights: $5,000,000.

2. Tower Skeet Shooting- Bring your frat buddies for a day of skeet shooting atop the soaring 300-foot main tower. Shot guns and clay pigeons provided, BYOB allowed. ($2500 for a party of six, Sundays start at 1:00PM or as soon as the service is over.)

1. Bishop for a Day- Read the Gospel, hold the chalice, bless the flock. Be the big man (or woman) on campus. Don’t worry, your sermon will be thoughtfully prepared for you and you won’t even have to dress yourself. ($100,000. For an extra $10,000 receive a mani-pedi as you sit in the cathedra.)

Note: No item can be resold and the cathedral reserves the right to reschedule events without notice.

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